The Onion:  Speculation About Romney's Taxes:

As Democrats continue to press Mitt Romney to release more of his tax records, the Republican candidate has become more assertive in his rejection of such calls, leading many to speculate about what the filings contain. Here are some of the details experts suggest he may not want the public to see:

• List of residences includes Caribbean property named “Skull Island
• Used Obama’s $6,500 homebuyer credit for six different houses in 2010
• From 2002 to 2006, official occupation was listed as “masseuse”
• Wrote off $10,000 in aftershave during 2004
• Really shitty handwriting for someone who expects to be elected president
• Years of filings in state of Delaware prove definitively that the candidate himself is a corporation
• In 2009, thanks to clever accounting, the IRS actually paid Romney $25 million in taxes
• Just doesn’t want people to see so many pages of official documents that list his first name as Willard