Reid D. Murtaugh (Murtaugh Law), The Power of Connection and Wellness: Building A Foundation for a Successful Law Career, 48 Ohio N.U. L. Rev. 579 (2022)

When I graduated from law school, I knew nothing about wellness. At that time, it was just not talked about. I was in the dark for a long time, and I kept my diagnosis private for the first six years of my career.

My mental health struggles started well before law school when I was 17 years old. For the most part, I have been able to manage my bipolar II condition without it affecting my ability to study or work. I am going to share a few stories of when the stress of practicing law became an obstacle and affected me at work.

The first time I remember my mental health symptoms surfacing at work during my law career was in my third year of practice. I was twenty seven (27) years old and working in the prosecutor’s office. I had just been moved from traffic court to the major felony division. I was in court during a petition to revoke probation hearing and all of the sudden I felt panicky. I felt my jaws clench, a gripping sensation in my throat, tightness in my chest, and weakness in my lower body. These feelings did not have any real effect. Nobody in the courtroom knew what I was feeling. But it felt so intense that it felt like people knew. My thoughts turned negative and irrational. After the hearing concluded, it was time for lunch. I walked out of the courthouse. I remember standing on the sidewalk and looking back at the courthouse, and my brain was rapid firing repetitive thoughts such as, “I don’t think I am cut out to be a lawyer.”

A short time later, I had two major felony jury trials within two weeks that I prosecuted solo, without a second chair. The first one I felt like myself. However, I hardly slept during the three days of trial. By the time the trial started the next week, I was feeling the effects of the lack of sleep and the stress of the first trial. My body and my brain were not happy that I was going to put them through that again. I did not feel like myself. I felt like I did during that petition to revoke hearing. The morning of the trial when I got to the office, I had a pit in my stomach and felt very insecure. I knew that going back to bed was not an option and luckily the adrenaline kicked in when I walked into the courtroom, and I made it through just fine.

I eventually left the prosecutor’s office and joined a private law firm. I made partner in 2015. I did experience anxiety and depression while I was working at the firm, but I was able to manage it and it did not affect my productivity. After I made partner that all changed. It felt like I hit a wall and the depression returned darker than ever. Concentration and focus were replaced with ruminating intrusive thoughts and procrastination.

I started to experience mini panic attacks. The back staircase became my escape. It was usually empty. When I was feeling bad, I would go to the back staircase. I would walk up and down. I would go to the bottom and pace. When I was in high distress, I would go to the back staircase. I remember times when I would shake my hands in the air uncontrollably because I felt so much anxiety and energy in my body. I would clench my teeth. This was the only place that I could do these self-soothing behaviors. I felt shame that I had to do this. It made me feel weak and unstable. It felt like behavior unbecoming of a law partner. Eventually, I got to the point where I felt like I could no longer deal with this on my own. …

In January of 2017, I publicly shared my bipolar II diagnosis in an article published in the Indiana Lawyer newspaper.9 I wrote several articles, which allowed me to connect with attorneys across the United States and beyond who reached out to me.10 Several attorneys who reached out disclosed their mental health condition to me in confidence. That human connection had a very profound effect on me. I found it beneficial for my own mental health to connect with other lawyers who can relate to me.

My depression did not magically go away. It is something that will
always be a part of me. The investment I made to manage the condition has
allowed me to practice law as a healthy and engaged lawyer. I have the
awareness and the tools to cope. I view it the same as my physical health
when the symptoms appear. Some days my brain is not at full strength and
working is a struggle and that is okay. I know that the symptoms will pass
just like sometimes it takes a few days to get over a cold.